Leave Your Girl

One evening while I was looking thru my inbox. I saw an email from my best friend then. She left a desperate message of asking for help. She is so lonely and would like to die. Out of panic, I tried to call her but there was no response from her.I tried to buzz her thru yahoo messenger , no reply from her again. It was one of those feeling that left me scared and helpless. I knew she went thru times of separation and having a miscarriage. I was hoping to talk to her and give her hope.

Then after a few days she finally replied to my email and told me to call her. So, I called her and told her worrying on what happened to her almost killed me.She said it was one of those moments she wanted to die remembering that her previous husband left her for a prostitute.I told her not to worry anymore since everything will be ok. Now, that the husband is away and she is now officially a widow. She can start a new life again. She started telling me about her being fat and no one will her. There are fellow doctors who like her and courting her but she does not like her. I asked her what does she like. She said "nookie, I love you"..then she told me to leave my girlfriend in Canada and we become a couple. She knew that my girlfriend in Canada is going out with someone and it was easy for me to break up with her.

Look, who would not want a best friend for a girlfriend or a wife.We had the perfect relationship in hand, we have known each for 15 years.So,I told her that I also love her.She knew it and told her not to think of anything else. We are a couple now. She said " Really Nookie, you will never leave or

Something to say

I was not able to publish anything on this blog for a long time. I lost my focus in writing,instead I dwell on other hobby that made me move around a lot. Although, I wrote a number of articles as a continuation of my earlier blogs. But somehow, it was a time when I knew that publishing it will not give us a time to heal and reconcile the problem. Something was telling me that a reconciliation may happen. Again, I was wrong.

She avoided my family and I ,every time we would call her and the clinic where she works. She is becoming to have that image of a professional criminal.A medical doctor who has cheated a best friend and lost the trust of many people. As I have told her earlier she and her family were deceitful and live on lies. Why not, all their lives they live on lies. As the father has other families, the mother pretended to be married to her father and carried the last name. The father has four families and the father is into cock fighting business and also a government construction contractor that was full of graft activities and corrupting government officials to win a contract. That is something that provided them their daily needs they got their money from unscrupulous way. I will not be surprise at this moment how the family has become to be a  dirty and greedy for money family.


Recently, we reached out to her father.The father said he does not want to do anything with them as the family is doing a lot of things that were not nice. Ah! What a liar. He is an expert in the art of lying it is not a surprise.My ex is a papa's girl and he was supporting my ex in all her shortcomings. One of the things that the father did and everyone in the family knows, was the failure of my ex in passing the medical board exam. She failed the first time but in her own words she told me that "papa already dealt with them and made the arrangement". After that, the next thing I knew she passed the medical board exam. Guess, that is the reason why her sisters never consulted her , when they are ill. The sister will take the  kids or any family member to another doctor. My ex will feel bad about it. If you knew that my ex's passing the board exam was just  arranged by the father who has so many government connections.I would hesitate as well to have my kids go to professional consultation.

Anyway,I will now continue to finish this blog. I will edit and publish the earlier articles that I wrote. Eventually, make a paperback copy of the blog and sell it. That way I get the money to pay for her loan and for the expenses that I incurred during my struggle in fighting this illness.

I am not yet in my best element to write. As I view this article, I need more time to get back to my prime  in creative writing.I will get back to that form soon and be prolific as before. I will finish this blog and eventually by that time I already  completely won against depression. Which is still getting in my system from time to time.

Dr Jane M.

I met her at work. She was not the kind of girl that people will notice. So many people actually never get to be close to her. I became close to her only because of her pretty fellow neophyte in the company. She has the kind of character that people do not get pretty comfortable with her company. It was like she always wants to have a conversation that is focus on her daily activities and irrelevant topic. Eventually, I was always talking with our common friend.Every now and then Dr Jane M. will join us for lunch or when we go out for a break.

Strangers

I can not imagine myself being completely aloft from someone whom I have shared so much and loved so much in the past. We are like strangers; two people familiar with our touch, kiss,embrace yet alien to each other's presence at the moment. By gad! I thought it will be easy forgetting about the past and remembering only the good times. Well, I was wrong. Letting go of someone is easy in mind but not in heart.Her scent still lingers in between the breath that I take. In every move that I make, reminds me of her being there all the time.Her voice that could comfort me in the middle of my misery. The caress that is so tight,it penetrates even the soul beneath my flesh. In my existence, she is part of my everyday. Even now that she is far and a past.I can still feel her presence. The pain I felt from her was so terrible that not even my nightmare could equal it. Promises went to oblivion. The love that destroyed me is fueled by the flame that came from my burning heart. A flame so hot that it makes me feel like hell is so close. Why did she do it to me?I know from the beginning that her mind can really fly beyond the boundaries of reality.It has never occurred to me that the flight will be so far;much further than what a mind can conceive. Help is inevitable. Who needs it?Me or her? Who did not follow what we had agreed. Who has so many baggage and fantasies?I think she should see a doctor. Strange! Life is beyond comprehension,destiny is even confusing. How will I know what destiny has scribbled for me?Who will she be?What does it take to know her or even just the initials. For sure, whatever will happen I would not want that someone-who is so familiar yet strange to cross my path again. She makes me feel sorry for loving her so well. Life is really full of strange faces. I remember her name and thought I know her so well but now- I would not want to remember her. I do not know who she is now.It is not worth remembering. In a single flash I learned that it was a mistake -a great one indeed. People make wrong choices. We commit mistakes. If in everything we do, there is a nugget of wisdom that enable us to contemplate on and sink our teeth until we chew some edible slices of life, only then that we emancipate ourselves from the total humiliation of mistake. As a result it becomes the road towards loneliness.We use loneliness as an escape and defense from humiliation and pain. Oh yeah, loneliness. A word in a modern world that is so apparent despite the modern tools that can link us with each other.The absence of two bodies becoming one, not in flesh but in thoughts and in heart. To be able to converse and share an idea and make a covenant of thoughts. Even debate or argue on mundane things.I remember one scientist who dreamed of linking the stars in the same way we link our road and streets in our maps. I wish I could traverse in a single stretch of a straight line ,the road to happiness.Ironically I can not. Not even the purest of the heart that speaks of eternal love would suffice. It takes more...much more than the heart. Even prayers and luck become an important ingredient in looking for that special happiness.You put faith in the new tomorrow and hope that what you wish for in prayers and what you wish to be lucky about will be a reality as soon as possible.Well all of us can dream anytime. The stranger in my life is someone I love. Someone I know but not familiar anymore. Someone I touched but can not hold anymore. She is now a stranger.Just like the faces I see everyday in the streets.Now we are strangers.No more names to put on the face neither a face to put a name on. (I wrote this in the 1994. Using a 386 laptop and using WORDSTAR.I do not know why, I just continually typed. That year I also met this special girl  who will hurt me in the future- which is now our present time.Whom I am dedicating this blog to)

It Comes In Boxes

Boxes are full of surprises. One of the boxes in my life is knowing that the girl who was my best friend for 14 years and my girlfriend for a short while, gave me the biggest box of my life. It was even wrapped in a beautiful white scrub suit, making it a smart looking box. The box is big and heavy. The situation made me excited and wants to open the box. In the tradition of pandora box, once you open the box. She made the biggest biggest surprise I had in my entire life and that is not knowing her well after all those years of friendships. That surprise is bigger than the box itself and can not be returned to the box because it would not fit anymore. It was so big and will eventually last for my entire lifetime just to imagine the size. Only a week after she came to the country where I am an expatriate. I called her like the usual time and someone answered the phone. After I heard a voice of a male answered the phone. I was surprised. So, I asked for my girlfriend. The male voice answered and started to speak on the top of his voice telling me that my girlfriend is his girlfriend too. It was like hell opened up and lead Satan to the ground and used my girlfriend's cellphone. The whole situation sounded like a fire breathing dragon shouting and looking for a fight over a mate. It was only very natural for an animal looking for a mate to act in such manner. For a human being, it is not natural and uncivilized. Guess, the aboriginal instinct of this guy got in to him and even told me that I looked like a comedian from my home country and told me I am so ugly. He was really looking for a fight.I did not attend to it because I am a reasonable person and uses more of my breeding than my animal instinct.I just waited for my girlfriend to call me instead. To Be Continued...

E.T. Phone Home

If there was already an iphone during the time the movie -E.T. was made. Probably instead of using a speak and spell toy, an umbrella and strings to communicate with the mothership;E.T. would have use the iphone.

Yes, the modern world kept us in touch any time of the day. Whether thru reading the modern personal telegram called sms, thru internet or the modern day cordless telephone with expanded range called cellphone.

If E.T. in the movie was so eager to contact the mothership, my girlfriend who has some explaining to do to me; did not even initiate to talk to me.Ok. Better to put it in another scenario, like I am E.T., since someone who adored her (yes-later for more details ok!) once called me ugly and toothless. So, making me an alien would not hurt, it will be better in a way to best describe me. Then my girlfriend will be the mothership. Just simply because of her size. The scenario will be that I am E.T. calling the mothership endlessly without any confirmation that they are getting my messages. Until I lost hope and eventually kisses death at my face. I got sick and turned pale and almost die in the middle of the forest. While writing this scenario. I slowed down a little. I suddenly realize, that is exactly how I feel. I feel hopeless and thought of killing myself. Jumping from the building or from one of the building facades.Guess I am like E.T. and she is the mothership. Not talking to me or giving me a hint of her plans.

What was nice about the movie E.T. was the part of being rescued. The mothership came to E.T.'s rescue at the right moment. I am not really sure at this moment, if it is me who will be rescued or her. At the moment the only thing I am aware is that I am that dying part of the movie E.T., who will eventually die temporarily. Dying temporarily and to be resurrected later. Yes, right now I am almost dead with emotions and even wishing to completely die to emancipate myself from paying a loan that I did not use and most of all the shame that she brought to me before the eyes of my family and friends. I am writing this blog to tell my horrible experience. Keeping it within is like a big volcano that will have a tragic eruption. I am doing this to heal myself and hopefully be connected to other people who like me- is also suffering from depression.

At the moment, I only take sleeping pills to give the rest that I need. Without I can not sleep and a nightmare will haunt me. I will talk about my best friend and who eventually became my girlfriend; who cheated on me and gave me a miserable life. It was not the break up that troubled me. It was how it ended. I am ok to be separated from her. It was not my first relationship to end. The whole idea that we have been friends for so long and we have prepared everything like we are your couple on the way to the aisle of a church and with kids to think about and growing old together.

Somehow, I should have listened to our old friends about her personality and also made use of my better judgment of her personality. It is really difficult to think of what had happened. It was messy.She put me in to a situation that is synomous to her current state. Lonely and desperate but what makes us different is that she is mentally unstable. Doc Jane M. is really not what people think of her. She is more unstable than a fever virus. Almost like a Malaysian weather that in one minute it is so sunny and a few hours later there will be a heavy downpour. She has that unpredictable mental state I really wonder why anyone ever go to her for medical consultation.

I want to make clear this is not a blog to have revenge. This is my way to resolve that inner war I am having inside. To be able to continue as normal as possible. To let go of the feeling of ending my life and being so despotent.

I need to revive my life to a new hope.

Dear Oprah

I was inspired by an episode in Oprah that made me write this blog. The episode was about a young lady who in her teens wrote a letter to Oprah but did not get the chance to send it. Instead this young girl put music in her letter and sang it in a subway.

It was not the music that inspired me but her story of persistence and without giving up on hope. Although the music was good and even the lyrics, but it was the story of the singer that made the music even richer than it sounds.

I saw the episode on the night that will be the last day I will ever feel normal.The next day I received an email from my cousin. My cousin is asking me to call her up and it was very important. I thought, it was some emergency at home. My heart then was beating so fast and immediately called my mother. Then she told me that our loan, which my girlfriend and I took a few months ago remains to be unpaid; after a few months when the loan was taken. I was surprised because I was sending my share and a few days before that I just sent her the whole payment for that month. My mommy calmed me down told me that my girlfriend may have an important reason for not paying on time. What made it even worse; my good girlfriend never told me about the delay and also she was leaving for the United States that time.

It was on a thursday. I tried to call her thru her handphone as always when she does not need anything; calling her cellphone is like dialling Santa Claus' phone. It was like an imaginary phone line.When she needed something from you, it was like hot and ready like a Batcave's private line.Ready to roll and be answered in single ring. Even the time when my mother needed an advise on medicine; my girlfriend being a doctor was suppose to be ready to answer phone calls and specially from an almost in-law. As expected- it was unanswered, come to think of it. What if there was an emergency and needed her approval for one of her patients. Guess, the patient would have died waiting for her medical instructions.

She cheated me once and she did it again. This time it reconfirms my gut feeling about her insincerity. Bad part of it was that she included my family in the mess. Now, the bank will sue me and my family who are co-signatories but she is left without any accountabilities.

Update March 21,2009

I lost my touch on my writing skills as my emotions took the better part of me as a writer. Now, I am re-editing my blog and put some order. As I am beginning to see the benefits of blogging to win against depression. I am beginning to see order also where I should have them. I am blogging again.